How Divorce is Impacting Families

This is my last blog entree! Wahoo!

Divorce is more common now than it ever has been in the past. What is most detrimental are the long-term effects that divorce has on families and children. Children who are raised in divorced or remarried families grow up to adulthood in a different culture from the child raised in an intact family. Research has shown that individuals from divorced families score significantly lower on a variety of tests including academic achievement, psychological adjustment, interpersonal relationships, and score higher in psychological depression (Amato, 2000). The scarring effects of parental divorce persists and can set in motion a chain of indirect stressful reactions and circumstances that affect an individual in their later life. An indicator of such stress in childhood is that its influence persists well into adulthood.

Economic hardship and academic achievement seemed to be interconnected when measuring the negative impact of divorce (Amato, 2000). A decline in economic resources might cause disruptive events such as moving to poorer neighborhoods, changing schools, and living on a smaller household income Divorce rates are higher among those with lower levels of household income, lower educational attainment, and those living in rented accommodations (Strohschein, 2005, p.1287).

                                                   References

Amato, P. (2000). The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children. Journal of Marriage and Family, (62), pp.1269, 1278-1281.

Strohschein, L. (2005). Parental Divorce and Child Mental Health Trajectories. Journal of Marriage and Family (67) pp. 1287-88.

Intimacy in Marriage

Sex should only be reserved until you are married. By waiting to have sex until you are married there is more of a commitment and not sliding into a relationship like cohabitation. Casual sex fails to fulfill our intimacy needs. In a marriage, sexual desires reflect the human need for love and union. A key part of having a successful marriage is to have sexual satisfaction with your spouse. The relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction is one mutual influence. In “His Needs, Her Needs,” states that the number one need for men in a marriage is sexual fulfillment and for women it’s affection. While showing intimacy communicating to your spouse what you love and comfortable is essential in a martial relationship. From our reading it states, “We can have an intimacy without sex but we cannot have satisfying sex without intimacy.”  

Communication

Communication is one of the most complicated fragments of a relationship. One of the reasons why it is complex is because communication is not always so clear. There is symbolic interaction, static, and making assumptions that block that channel for us to encode messages. For example, I could say one thing and it could mean something completely different to someone else. Research has shown that the accurate communication of feelings is as complicated and as subject to distortion as the communication of ideas. From past experiences I always double check to make sure that I’m on the same page with the person that I’m talking too.  Non verbal communication is even more powerful verbal communication. In other words, actions speak louder than words. It is the quality of communication not the quantity.

A key element of communicating is listening. Listening is a very unselfish act because you are focusing on the person’s thoughts and feelings and putting aside your own for a moment. There have times when I didn’t listen and it squelched the relationship because I only thought about what I wanted to say and do.  In the future I’ll be making decisions with my future my spouse and there is a possibility that we could disagree on a major decision. When making major decision involve the Heaven Father in the process. We may come to an agreement but the best thing to do is take into account what the lord has in store for our future and families. By letting the lord influence us is opens opportunities and possibilities that we couldn’t have imagined.

Family Stress

            Every family experiences some form of stress to a certain degree. There are certain stressful situations that might bring a family closer together or cause them to be more distant. It depends how strong the family structure and how strong the ties are between family members. The key points in dealing with a stressor are perception and internal resources such as inner strengths. Stressful situations are good for families because it makes them more resilient, cope better with life situations and the family is more mature. There are many different kinds of stressors internal vs. external, normative vs. nonnormative, ambiguous vs. nonambiguous, volitional vs. nonvolitional, chronic vs. acute, and cumulative vs. isolated. I believe that external stressors (natural disaster, terrorism, and etc.) are more likely to bring a family closer together rather than internal internal (suicide, addictions, and etc.)  

The ABCX model illustrates how stress might impact families:

The most critical part is how a family might cope with a stressor. They might go through denial, experience avoidance, and scapegoating. The best for a family is to reframe or redefine the event. By changing their perspective on a situation, a family can see as the stressor as an obstacle that will ultimately lead to growth as they over come it.

Out of my family members, my Aunt has gone through the most stressful event and she has beautifully coped with the death of her husband. She tried to notice the spiritual things and have the mentality “what can I learn from this?” This good mother tried to find the blessing in the pain and discovered that you’ll eventually find it. When it comes right down to it, healing takes time. “No matter how bad things get, things will get better. Something will emerge. I made the decision that it won’t control my life.”

One of the best coping mechanisms is when I acknowledge the hand of god in my life and that this is not the end. I do everything in my power and sometimes it is just not enough. There is peace in my life when I trust in the lord and recognize that this event/stressor is part of his plan for me. From my experiences I learned that time heals there will be a time that I will find joy and laugh again. I keep in mind that this is not the end.

Parenting

 A parent’s role is to love, discipline, teach, and provide for their child's needs. When disciplining, parents need to be respect, kind, and firm to their children. As a result their child is more willing to comply. If anyone is yelling, demanding or disrespectful it is almost impossible to listen or comply. One of the key principles of parenting is to listen to their children and helping them to solve their problems rather than fix their problems for them.  As a parent it is essential to focus not what the child is doing but what they are becoming. Parenting is also a team work because you are working with your spouse to provide discipline and fulfilling a family’s needs equally. In other words if a child went to a parent their answer would be the same because their parents are on the same mindset.

 Disciplining is teaching your children what is acceptable and tolerated at home, school and within families. Parents might confuse logical and natural consequences with punishment. A classic example is sending their child to their room. Parents could possible see the logic but to a child there might be no connection to the punishment and the misbehavior. A logical consequence would be to teach them about the misbehavior and help them correct it. By only punishing a child their needs are not being met and not learning from their behavior. There are many reasons why a child might misbehave but usually a child misbehaves because a physical or emotional need is not being met. 

Parenting is one of the utmost sacrifices within a family. My mom once described parenting as, “When you first become a parent you are taking care of your child’s needs first and then think about yourself. By the end of the day you really don’t have time for yourself. It doesn’t matter how tired you are or how much you don’t want to take care of your family. Even though your children might not like what you say and do a parent always takes care of their children because they love them.” I know my parents sacrificed much and have never given up on me. Now that I’m independent, I’ve recognized more and more all that my parents did for me. It is so reassuring that even though I’m on my own, I still have my parent’s support and love. You are never done being a parent! In my future family, I hope to adopt some the parenting principles that my parent's raised me.

Marriage Transitions

When dealing with relationships, one of the biggest transitions is when a couple is married. After the wedding, we are combining two different lifestyles, traditions and family dynamics into a one relationship. The mentality should be: instead of me there is now a “we”. The honeymoon is over and reality sets in. Couples have to deal matters like debts, house work, and etc. Then a couple has to decide how we are going to resolve these conflicts. Not only do you need to resolve conflict but boundaries need to be set up between the family that you are married into and your marriage. As a college student, you see more couples plan a wedding day rather than their marriage. It is crucial that we plan our marriage! By careful planning transitions are smoother and there are fewer conflicts.

As part of marriage, a person is being married into your spouse’s family. It’s crucial to set up boundaries or in other words drawing the line and deciding what appropriate for family relationships, especially with in laws. Also in creating boundaries there needs to be family involvement to create unity. An example might be is involving or asking for help with a family event (engagement, family gathering and etc) that is appropriate. With any family transition there will be some adapting to change. By realizing these different transitions it helps me to prepare for the future, to communicate openly and not make assumptions about my marriage. Overall, part of a healthy relationship is preparing to make smooth transitions and it all starts with a marriage.  

                                                                                                                        

Work and Family

Work and Home

            It’s fascinating to see how the impact work has on families. Work can be good if there is a balance. There is usually an imbalance when both parents are working in the home. The father originally was the main provider but we are seeing a shift in our society mothers are starting to provide as well. The main question is: should mothers be in the work force? I am not in favor because overall it will do more damage than good to the family. The family is out of homeostasis because mom is not there for her family or home. Some might argue that creating a second income will bring in more money, resources and will be good for the family but realistically it requires financial support just maintain the second career. Because the wife is working there are more expenses such as day care, gas/travel, fast food and etc. When it comes right down to it, it’s better for the mother to stay home and raise her children than to have stranger taking care of them.

Some women might be part of the work force because of status, social, and a reason to get out of the house or a feeling of independence. Women that come home from work refer to it as the taking on a “second shift” because their work is never done. They still have to clean, do laundry, make dinner, and take care of their family. Because the mother might feel over worked this could put a strain on the family. There is a feeling of independence instead a feeling of unity when both parents are working. I’m grateful for the sacrifices that my mother made for our family by being a stay home mom. There is no doubt that when my mom stayed home it created more unity in our family. I want to do the same for my future family. My family is one of my main priorities and a career comes later. By being a homemaker it doesn’t mean that I want to swap my mind for a mop. I want to do what is best for families and getting an education and being there for them will create stability with in my family.

What is love?

Love is such a strong emotion and some may say that love is bread and water to our souls. Because of the different types of relationships their will different types of love. The different types of love are storage (affection between parents and children), philia (between friends), eros (between men and women) and agape (independent love). Even though in our textbook it doesn’t mention a Christ’s love but when we understand the love Christ has for us, we begin to develop a love that never knew that we for others. This is when develop a love we never could have imagined.

While washing the dishes, I asked my mom if her love for dad has changed in any way from the beginning of their marriage to present. Her response was, “When I married I thought I was in love. There is an attraction and you’re in married bliss but the love I have now for your father is much deeper than I could imagine.” Like my parents, I believe the ultimate test of a loving relationship is time. Love is based on shared experienced, not just attraction. I never did like the phrase “falling love” but to have a healthy relation a couple should “grow into love.”

The best way to illustrate love is through Shakespeare sonnet:

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Gender Roles

When our family goes to a restaraunt my nieces and nephews behavoir is almost predictable. While waiting for our meal, my nephews are chopping their crayons with a knife and on the other hand my nieces are coloring so quietly and acting pretty civil. There were such distinct differences in their behavoir at the restaurant that it is pretty evident. Some might argue that men and women should be treated equally in every way and that there are no gender differences. There is no doubt that there are inborn gender differences. These gender differences are good because they fulfill our roles and creates purpose in life. When we understand our differences between genders we are more accepting and can balance our roles. It is fascinating to learn that women make more eye contact, have better memory detail and finer motor skills. On the other hand, men are more aggressive, direction oriented and stronger. As a family we shouldn’t have rigid roles and not work together but instead have our gender differences complement each other. A married couple will have the same goals for their family but they have different ways of accomplishing them. When we respect our gender differences we are becoming more unified as a family and following Heavenly Father's plan. One gender is not better than the other but we are equal in purpose.

I grew up on a cattle ranch and gender roles were clearly defined. It was expected for my brothers to work but not for my sister and I. I’ve asked my father many times why working on the farm was not expected of us. He told me that working on the farm was hard labor and he never really thought about it. Also I never had a desire to work on the farm either. I believe my father did a service by gently guiding our roles. When we know our gender roles there is more stability in our lives.

Week 3

This week during class our teacher possed the question "What is Family??" It really got me thinking how I define family. Some may define family as blood related. But some people may never connect with their blood relatives. Some may define their legal guardians as family. It may be hard for people that are adopted for them to define who their real parents are. To me family are the people that raised us, were a role model and showed true love to us. I feel immediate connection with my blood relative because we have a strong bond within my family. At times its hard to describe but a family has a sense of support, trust, and belonging. It's different with family because you would sacrifice and do anything for them than compared to friends. There are many different kinds of families but I support what the Proclamation to World states: the family is ordained of God and marriage between a man and a woman is essentail to his eternal plan. Marriage is the foundation to a family.

Week 2

This week we discussed how the family is a social system. In a family, each person plays a role and is interrelated and interdependent on each other. Within this system there are subsystems such as parental, spouse. Every family has their own rules and boundaries. There can be rigid boundaries to hardly any boundaries within a family. It is essential to create a homeostasis, in other words to seek a balance between stability and change in family relationships. The healthy family relationships are determinded by a family's system. Do the parents have a stronger relationship with their child than with their spouse? What is my role within my family and what kind of relationship do I have within the subsystems of my family (such as siblings, parents and spouse.) The most important subsystem is the marital subsystem because it is the foundation of a strong family system. By creating a family system it is easier to identify patterns and how can a family improve and create more cohesion.

While studying the family systems theory it reminded me of the circumplex model and how similar it is in how family might interact. I just thought I would share it.

Week 1

This week in class, we discussed the trends and statistics of marriage, divorce, birthrate, employed mothers, cohabitation, and house hold sizes. After we discussed the trends we cateorgized them into critical, significant or no big deal. It was interesting to see all of the trends correlate and have an impact on the family in some way.

We also discussed the "river anaolgy". A river is filled with debri that floats along with the current and eventually a log blocks the current by going sideways and doesn't move. This causes debris to build up behind it and everything stacks up. This causes a lot of strain for the log but down river the water becomes cleaner. This can be applied to familes when one family member decides change a family trend. They may have to deal with grief and pain from family members, but because of the change they are creating this person allows for there to be cleaner water for future generations.